'Beating Crime Plan, fresh from really simplified plan names department'

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Crime fighter Spider-Man - Credit: PA Images

How do we fight crime? Normally come up with an answer that involves being bitten by a radioactive spider.

Actually, I wouldn’t want to be Spider-Man. If I could be any comic book hero I’d be J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter. He is a shape shifter and that would be a great way to get this extra weight off.

The reason I have been thinking about crime is because the government has released its Beating Crime Plan, fresh from the department of really simplified plan names.

One of their ideas is to publish league tables of 999 response times. That’s great but not like we have another option. If you’re the victim of a crime you can’t think: “We haven’t had great stats lately so I might try 998 and see who answers.”

Steve Allen.

Steve Allen is confused by government's Beating Crime Plan - Credit: Steve Allen

They also talked about the idea of sentencing criminals who didn’t deserve jail time to perform litter picking in high vis jackets.


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I’m sorry that I am so rarely caught doing any crimes that I am not fully up to date on the latest punishments but I thought we already had community service.

I often run past people in high vis vests. If they’re not doing community service they’re either slacking workmen or those French gilet jaunes protesters took a wrong turn.

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It would be great to have less rubbish but we shouldn’t see litter picking as a punishment.

I often pick up any rubbish I find if I’m out on a walk because I like living in a nicer place.

My idea is to let us count any litter we pick up against any future community service we might get. If I get caught doing something I can cash in my litter picking tokens and get off.

It’s my Letting Steve Do More Crimes Plan. That’s a catchy name.

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